Refiner's Fire

"But who can endure the day of His coming? And who can stand when He appears? For He is like a refiner's fire and like launderers' soap." Malachi 3:2






"Why me, Lord?" How many times have I asked those words? I often asked them rhetorically, as if there were no answers. I've always asked them in times of despair, times of heartache and suffering. In those dark times, i haven't had the strength or understanding as to why I would have to endure such trials.


Those who know me best probably can predict the story I'm about to share. It's the story of the darkest trial I've faced. It was in the fall of 1998, November 21st to be exact. My husband and I were young, no children, and enjoyed the freedom of the weekends. On that Saturday in November, we were so excited to be riding with some friends to see a college football game. When we arrived, we were to meet my brother who was a student at this rival school at the time. I had teased my brother all week about it. My team was playing his team. He was such a good sport about it, though. I'll never forget the message he left on the answering machine earlier that week, " Can't wait to see you sis! We'll meet up on Saturday! I love you." I'll remember those words always, because the call I received the morning of game day changed my life forever.

My dad called my husband around 11 am that beautiful Saturday morning and informed him that the police had called their home and told them my 20 year old brother had been found dead early that morning on the college campus. It was an open, unsolved case. My dear husband was left with the daunting, unfathomable task of informing me. He knew how close my brother and I were. After my husband, he was my best friend, my equally terrible golfing buddy, the guy I laughed with and shared memories. My husband knew this would absolutely devastate me. He put his arm around me and broke the news. "NO, NO, NO! Why, Lord? Why? This isn't happening. There's some mistake.", I cried. Yet, there was no mistake. The unimaginable had happened.





In the following months, we found that the case would remain unsolved with the only clue we would be given by law enforcement was that there was foul play involved. I spent months tossing and turning in bed at night, wondering who could've done such a thing and why. It didn't make sense to me. My brother was sweet, funny, and just an all-around great guy. The other thing I didn't understand was why we were left with no answers. I mean, at least others going through such trauma had closure. This was just unfair. It should've been someone else. ......Or should it?



You see, in time I began to realize that my thoughts aren't God's thoughts and my ways aren't His ways according to Isaiah 55:8. As I began to realize that, His truth was revealed to me. After the funeral, I saw a number of my brother's friends come to know Jesus Christ as their personal savior. I saw others go through their own tragedies while God gave me the words of empathy to extend to them. I could understand their pain where others could not. In addition, I began to see this difficult time, along with other trials, act as a refining process in my own walk with God. I am slowly, but surely, evolving into the servant He intended me to be.



Over the years, I've realized that real growth, the kind that can endure the fiery trials, comes from the perseverance and faith we maintain in the midst of hardship. We hold fast to the knowledge that as Psalm 46:1 tells us, "God is my refuge, an ever present help in trouble." So, I can't do it on my own. I can't do it in my flesh. My thinking is too finite, too temporal in nature. But I can do it by His grace. He's my strength and my comfort.


Lord, help me to remain steadfast in my faith in times of trial. I pray that others will see you working in me and want to come to know you personally as a result. Refine me into the woman of God you would have me to be so that in the end, you can look at me and say, "Well done my good and faithful servant."